finger slams mouse button
mouse signals computer
computer signals automatic pistol firing mechanism
firing mechanism pulls gun trigger
trigger releases bullet
bullet passes through forehead...

The decline of good conversation

Is it possible that American values such as free choice maybe hurting us? I would argue yes. Think about the last ten years. How many new cable channels do you now have? How many new video game systems have been invented? How many extreme sports have been invented? This appears to be positive, because we all know that diversity is good right? Now think of how many friends you have now compared to how many friends you had ten years ago.  Most likely the number of friends you have will not have varied, unless your a politician or won the lottery (in both cases they're probably not "real" friends).  So with the number of friends staying constant but the number of hobbies and interests increasing rapidly we are as a society becoming more individualistic. The problem lies in the inherent need for us to be understood by our peers. As we become more individualistic the chances we share the same interests as our close friends decreases. Consequently we feel isolated and depressed or we turn to new mediums such as the internet for our basic needs. Here's an example of a not so uncommon lunch conversation...

Dave: Didn't anyone see the new episode of Gray's Anatomy last night?
Daryl: No I was watching Major League Soccer.
Dave: Well you missed a good one. Sophia contracted Cancer. It was heartwrenching.
Frank: Sounds.... interesting! *stifling yawn*
Dave: Next week she is starting chemo and we find out if Brad is going to leave her.
Frank: I see.
Frank: Hey did anyone play new Grand Theft Auto game yet? I spent all last night playing.
Bill: Sorry I was at karate practice.
Ted: No I'm busy watching the Battlestar Galatica season three on DVD.

Unfortuntately it doesn't appear that we'll be having less choices anytime soon. So it might be best to take a rain check next time your invited to a group lunch. The new book by Steven Pinker may prove a more stimulating alternative.

Colorado Day Two and Three - Hiking, Hiking and more Hiking

Sunday, our first full day in Colorado, we left early in the morning for Rocky Mountain State Park. We decided to do some light hiking (no mountains) so we did a 6 -7 mile loop from the Bear Lake Trail head. The trail head starts around 9000 feet and the highest part is a little over 10,000. This might not be that bad if you weren't staying at sea level the day before. With in the first five minute my chest was tightening up and I felt a shortness of breath. Luckily after a few minutes later the altitude sickness symptoms disappeared and I felt pretty good. Here's a picture of me in front of Emerald Lake with the Rockies in the background.



Monday morning we left at dawn to climb Flattop Mtn. The trail starts at the Bear Lake trail head and climbs 2,800 feet in about 4.5 miles. My biggest fear going into the hike was that we still hadn't fully acclimatized. The first 3 miles went fairly well, then came the big surprise. At around 11,000 feet we left the treeline and the winds picked up. With temperature in the 30's and very high winds made the uphill climb even more difficult. The top of the mountains were covered in snow and ice which was intimidating because Carol and I don't usually climb mountains. Nevertheless we made it in around four hours. Here's a pic from the summit.

Colorado Day One

We're finally here! After months of waiting, I'm now in Estes Park at the end of day one of our Colorado trip. It felt like we traveled most of the day. We left Old Bridge before 6AM and drove to Northern NJ to Carol's Mom's. She gave us a ride to Newark so we could catch our flight which departed at 9AM. At the airport we ran into our first "hiccup". I had agreed to take the laptop bag as a carry on and Carol said she was going to take our hiking backpack. Only problem was we didn't think to go through the backpack until were standing in line at the security checkpoint. So I going digging around there to check to make sure we have no liquids or chapsticks or anything like that and what do I find but my large knife! NO! It was a wedding present that I hated to get rid of but we had already checked our main bags so I had to deposit it in the trashcan before we got to the checkpoint. Sad .. sad..sad that was a good knife. Anyway after that we found out as soon as we boarded the plane that we were delayed a half hour for take off because of the fog. Thanks for telling us after were sitting on a hot plane with no AC.

We arrived in Denver a little after noon. After picking up our backage we picked up our rental car and then it was off to Estes Park. The first thing I noticed driving was how dry the landscape was. I had recalled while looking at houses online that green lawns were scarce, and after seeing the landscape it was no surpise. For the beginning of the drive the terrain was pretty flat but as we approached the rockies we saw more hills and large rock formations.

We stopped for a late lunch at Perkins in Longmont and surpisingly they did not have the "Denver" omelette I usually get in NJ (the heartland was a good substitute however). We also stopped at the Longmont Walmart and picked up some snacks for hiking and lots of fluids. They had a new variety of Lay's Barbecue I was excited about so I got them to give them a try. Another hour drive through more twisty roads and large boulders we reached Estes Park.

Estes being being a sort of gateway to Rocky Mountain National Park is the largest town before your in the heart of the Rockies. Sitting at around 7000 feet compared to Longmonts 5000 was a big leap. Interesting science took place in my bag of chips during the drive to a higher elevation. I'll try to post a pic later. At the center of Estes is a big lake that is surrounded by hills. On top the hill leading to the Rocky Mountains sits the Stanley Hotely. The Stanley some of you may recall was the inspiration for Stephen King's the shining. Well unfortuately its 2007 and the "Shining" Hotel is now eclipsed by a McDonalds from the center of town.



We checked into our cheap hotel and unpacked then headed towards the visitor center to pick up some maps. There we learned about the wild elk that liked to roam around town. The Visitor Center lady was super nice and told us that now was one of the best times to see the elk, and if we hiked around the north part of the lake we might catch a glimps. Sure enough after about a quarter mile there was a field FILLED with elk. We start taking pictures from afar but eventually got a little closer. My wife, much braver than I, walked within a few yards to get some great pictures I plan to upload soon. I loyally obeyed the signs that read DO NOT APPROACH THE ELK. I also wanted to make sure I was safe so in the event of any catastrophe I could tell everyone a great story of how my wife was run through by a huge elk.

We ended up at the Estes Park Brewery and unwinded with some specialty brews and a great plate of nachos. Now its time for some much needed sleep. Tomorrow we will being to tackle RMNP.

How about a side order of STFU you impatient SOB

I've been extra angry lately. It seems like the older I get the more pet peeves develop. We went to Boston Market for lunch today. We hadn't been there for a while, so they had changed their menu around. I assumed the usual "still deciding" position about five feet from the counter and even put on the confused look. But of course someone thought I looked like I need help. Well "usually" I politely respond "I'm still looking, thank you". However from past experiences this is usually acknowledged by the attendant going back to the kitchen and talking to other employees for a couple minutes. Then I end up waiting till the person gets back. So with anger flaring up, I say "Yeah, I"m ready.". Then after he asks me what I want I just stare at the food for a minute, then the menu for a minute and then back to the food. Eventually I say "I'd like..." then pause and look confused again. Of course I already made up my mind two or three minutes ago, I'm just making this captive employee suffer as long as I can.

I mean seriously who walks into a restaurant knowing what they want and stops five feet from the counter and stares at the menu. I can SEE the counter. I will PROCEED to the counter when I have decided what I am ordering and no sooner. I need no dialogue. My decision on what to eat is a two way communication between myself and my stomach. There is no third person involved. "Can I help you." No, Absolutely not you cannot help me unless you can read minds and then tell me what I'm about to order. If you are a mind reader I highly doubt your working for minimum wage in the food service industry.

Couple Abandoned Baby So They Could Party

A Glendale, Wisconsin couple are in the news after leaving their 14 month old baby home alone while they went out partying. Who's to blame? Partying, of course. This highly addictive activity encourage mature adults to intake unhealthy fluids until they behave like children. "Parties" involve more than one person and often revolve around alcohol. They are often scheduled in the evening and sometimes last until early the next day. Often the sources for more violent crimes such as date rape, drunk driving and physical altercations, parties have become commonplace among today's youngsters.

Halo 3 is here!

Who else drove to work this morning humming the Halo 3 theme? The day is finally upon us. I picked up my Xbox 360 last weekend, but I didn't preorder. I'm hoping they still have copies at Best Buy that I can pick up at lunch. I should get there before all the 15 years old get out of school so I do have an advantage. Here's my agenda tonight at 9pm when I plan to first play.

1. Light some candles, do some yoga, decorate the floor with rose petals to get me in the mood.
2. Load up the multiplayer with just myself. Run around explore the map and familiarize myself with the controls (I don't like jumping into the campaign without a good feeling of the controller layout).
3. Load up Campaign single player. I'm going to start multiplayer coop later in the week when one of my friends has time to play. Play an hour or so.
4. Jump on Xbox live for some multiplayer action.

Office Etiquette Part I

Today's lesson is how to click a mouse button. Surprisingly many graduate from college with computer skills but no keyboard etiquette. The secret is in a relaxed  and slightly bent index finger. As the finger goes down, you'll hear a very soft click followed by another click as you release pressure. Try this several times and note the finger never leaves the mouse button.

AVOID THE POWERCLICK!

What is the powerclick you ask? Chances are you've heard it before but are unaware. Let me start by defining a "strong click". A strong click is any left mouse click where the index finger leaves the surface of the mouse before striking the mouse button. Taking this one step further is the grandest of all office etiquette offenses the power click. A power click is a "strong click" where the index finger is lifted and extended to a straight or nearly straight position before descending loudly on the left mouse button. The result is a horrific sound that sends shivers up your cube neighbor's spine.

A mouse button sends TWO AND ONLY TWO signals to your computer. They are mouse button pushed DOWN and mouse button pushed UP. Contrary to what you might be thinking during your power clicking, the computer does not differentiate between a hard press from a soft press. The result is still the same.

There is also no need to point upwards before clicking. You are not Hank Aaron about to hit a homerun to left field. There is no audience that is going to cheer your firm mouse stroke. Save your finger the extra workout and leave it on the button.

Getting help...

Here's a list of steps you can take to cure yourself from the power click for good.

1. Start your morning off everyday by maximizing and minimizing a window with the left mouse button. Be sure to use good form. Finger should be bent and should not leave the mouse button. Note the separate clicks.
2. If you notice yourself power clicking in the middle of the day.. repeat the drill in step one.
3. Imagine your mouse is a real delicate furry creature. You don't want to hurt it. Treat it as your tiny friend.
4. Take small piece of tape and roll it into a small loop just big enough to fit your finger inside. Make sure the sticky part is on the outside. Place the tape on the left mouse button. Now when you use the mouse make sure you slide your finger in and out of the tape loop when moving the hand from keyboard to mouse. The loop will prevent the temptation of lifting your finger.

Soon to come...

I'm working on a prototype mouse that can actually sense the force of a mouse press. The Catch? Presses over a certain threshold will be ignored. Sorry power clickers. Stay tuned for Office Etiquitte 2: The Power Return.

Can't remember what your wore last week?

Maybe its time for an RFID system for your clothes. There's a good tutorial on developer.com of how to program an RFID system. The receivers are around $60 but the tags are as cheap as $1. I've contemplated installing a system in my closet where I can scan clothes as I leave for work in the morning. After scan some routine would determine when I last wore the clothes and if it was within a determined limit it would sound some type of alarm. Of course the pain in the neck part is installing RFID chips in my clothes. And its bound to accidentally trigger some shopping mall store sensors. How embarrasing would that be trying to explain to police officers that I tag my own clothes.

The real victims

You know who has it bad in United States...? German americans. I can't tell any racist jokes. I'm not black, jewish, hispanic, asian, middle eastern or anything else with amusing stereotypes. How am I supposed to be funny without offending anyone? When's the last time you heard a good bratwurst joke? Maybe thats just God's deal with us. He granted us some freedom from prejudices, but took away our ability to tell jokes. Totally unfair. I want a race transplant, my lederhosen havn't been getting many laughs lately anyway.

Don’t wash your hands when you go to the bathroom day

If yesterday was "Talk Live a Pirate Day", today must be "Don't wash your hands when you go to the bathroom day". I've already seen three dudes leave the restroom with urine hands and its only 10 AM. The funny thing is they'll glance at me on the way out. I can imagine what's going in their head..

"Look at this kid in his casual clothes. He's probably a nobody. Probably won't wash his anyways. I don't know him and there's no way the word will get out that I don't wash my hands."

Well your wrong Mr. curly, blonde hair Scandinavian dude. Now the whole interwebs knows about your urine hands. Better think next time!

Creeping Madness

Wouldn't it be easy to see our own insanity if it didn't happen so sloooooooooooooooowly.

Popcorn Lung

Thinking about some Extra Buttery Microwave Popcorn with your movie rental? Think again. You may develop "Popcorn Lung". A Denver newspaper reported 53 year old man has recently been diagnosed with a dangerous lung disease caused by the butter in microwave popcorn. This guy ate 2 to 3 bags of popcorn a day for close to decade. Doctors are reporting his lung capacity detriorated to 50%!  Judging by the picture released his lungs might not be the only problem. The yellowy complexion seems to hint at "Popcorn Face".

Power outage

The power went out at work today for over an hour. It was the most exciting work moment since a large box toppled over in the closet last fall. As soon as it happened I managed to save my work before my battery backup gave out. The last outage I remember losing power then triumphantly announcing to everyone my backup was still working. As soon as the words left my mouth sure enough the 10 year old battery backup died and I hadn't clicked save.

The next couple minutes we sat around just talking about the sounds our backups are making. We got up out of our chairs and looked to see if each other's computers were still on. We now had about 30 minutes left of power but the network was down so we really couldn't do work anyway. So we all huddled together and talked about the times the power went off before and how this was the longest time the power went off.

After about ten minutes of talking in the near dark we moved into a senior Developer's room and started playing HORSE on the mini basketball hoop. We probably played for near half an hour. Then we started talking about other games we could play cards, cubicle baseball, hide and go seek. We were mid fantasy conversation when finally the lights came back on. Talk about a sudden surprise and feeling of gloom. We just stared at each other for the first 30 seconds waiting for some miracle to get the lights off. Unfortunately the electrician must have known what he was doing because the lights stayed on. Return to boringness.

Bibleman

Imagine an animated world where this is no God... or no faith. Imagine no longer.

Google Trends

I've been spending a lot of time on Google Trends lately. It charts the popularity of search phrases over a time range. They recently syndicated the site so I now subscribe in Google Reader. I also discovered the ability to compare multiple terms (just separate with a comma). Unfortunately they don't have timeframes smaller than a month. I was curious if the word "bored" peaked right before the end of the workday. Anyway give it a try its  an excellent time sink.

Yesterday was thrilling as "Phosgene" (chemical discovered in UN Nations building) saw the biggest jump throughout the day however "Britney Spears No Pants" dethroned "Phosgene" in the evening. Way to go Britney. Now who's Toxic!

My favorite joke

I have a horrible memory. Its not surprising considering the flood of information we are faced with everyday. Most of the time forgetting details is of little consequence, however failing to remember somethings can prove socially embarrassing. That's why I have my bad memory fall back joke. Its mostly open in the middle but the beginning and the end are always the same. You start telling someone how bad your memory is and how you ALWAYS forget things. And forgetting got to become so embarrassing that you invented a hilarious joke about how bad your memory is. Next is the open ended part where your rely on your creativity. For instance, "I told it at the company holiday party and had the Manager of accounting sprayed Ginger Ale out of her nose". This is all the buildup. You just talk for awhile telling your captive listener how funny the joke is, until they ask "What is it?". Then the obvious response.."I forgot."

On occasion your story won't interest the distracted listener and she'll fail to speak the set up phrase. In which my best advice is to use your imagination and play out the appropriate conclusion in your head. Laugh at your simulated response then walk away from said listener.

American Seagulls

So I'm leaving the 711 this morning after my stop for my morning Iced Tea and two seagulls are in my way chowing down on a bagel. One immediately notices my approaching car, but the second keeps eating till I'm about 10 feet from him. Then he looks up and stares at me with about half of a bagel hanging from his mouth. Rather than dropping the bagel and flying away, he scurryies to the side with the huge bagel still lodged in his beak.

Lesson in sharing...

I'm sure a lot of you read both Scott Adam's and my blog. For those of you who only read mine, I'd recommend reading Scott Adam's blog he's the author of the Dilbert blog. His blog is almost on the same level of mine. You might have noticed today how he mentioned aural implants? Anyone know where he got the idea? Well observant smaller readers will know it was from yesterday posts. Scott emailed me yesterday asking to borrow my idea because he runs out of ideas. I was hesistant at first, then I remember my Holes idea and thought Scott would be a perfect spokesperson for my idea. So I agree he could mention aural implants IF AND ONLY IF he spoke about my holes idea. So there you go... I'm always willing to lend a hand to a fellow blogger.

Chair yoga

My seating postions throughout the work day..

1. Both feet on the floor.
2. Right leg extended on top of the tower, left foot on the floor.
3. Left leg extended against cubicle brace, right foot on floor.
4. Sit on left leg, Right leg on the floor.
5  Sit on right leg, Left leg on the floor.
6. Right leg crossed over Left leg.
7. Legs extended both resting on top of computer tower with ankles crossed (extra laid back mode).

It seems like a lot but I'll usually go through all of these before lunch. I'm really fidgety. I'm always looking for new positions.

If your still interested about my leg positions at work. I have posters with pictures of all of them. They look real good on the wall of your college dorm.

Upgrades

So I've been thinking a lot lately about work...life..  bionic upgrades I might splurge on if I don't win the mega jackpot until 2030. OK so mostly I've been thinking about the latter. Here's a quick rundown of my cyborg wish list...

Bladder expander

I make at least a dozen trips to the B-room a day. All that zipping, unzipping, hand washing, hand drying time adds up. Of course I don't where I'd store the expander because I'm a skinny guy with not much extra space. One option might be wearing a backpack with my expanded bladder, but then people would inevitably keep asking "What you got in there?". Maybe a better idea could be some enhanced liquid processing system where I could drink a ton but then it would evaporate (hopefully not leaving a smell).

Permanent Memory Storage

This one initially seemed like a great idea. Wouldn't we all like to remember everything that ever happened? Then I started worrying about sifting through all my job-related info when I'm trying to remember the tanning lotion with the highest SPF when I'm on vacation at the beach. Not ideal.  So I need some software to control what memories go in and go out. Or maybe removable drives? But that sounds way dangerous because then what if they get stolen? Or what if someone uploads a virus in an offline drive? I don't know maybe my current system of forgetting isn't that bad. At least its safe.

Aural Implants

OK this is really just a cool way of saying i want headphone embedded in my ears. But there's obvious dangers hear as well. Because my implants are embedded I need some wireless way of streaming sound to my ears, which may leave doors open to spam and advertising. Just imagine walking through the mall with your aural implants having a discussion with your wife on the phone when all the sudden ...

"ATTENTION SHOPPERS: MACY'S IS HAVING A ONE DAY SALE ON ALL BED AND BATH PRODUCTS"

You can't exactly rip embedded implants out of your ears. I mean there's have to be some volume control but what if that backfired. What if terrorists got you and found out about the implants? They might endlessly loop "Chocolate Rain" till my ears start bleeding and I divulge all our countries secrets.

So that's where I'm at for the time being. Most of my ideas sound good initially but have drawbacks. I'll have to think more about it later. What would you get if you could get a bionic implant?

Hungry Reader!

I need more blogs people! I recently cleaned my feed reader on google and got rid of some stuff that I can't keep up with. Now I feel like I never see any new posts. If anyone who reads this has a blog or has a friend with a blog.. Let me know. Don't think I woudn't enjoy reading about your pointless life as well.

Bamboozled!

A crew member of Man vs Wild has come forward announcing adventurer Bear Grylls has stayed in hotels during the filming of his Surival series. It doesn't matter to us Bear. You can eat blueberry pancakes in the morning at the Holiday Inn, just as long as your drinking water from elephant dung in the afternoon we still love you.

TV 'survival king' stayed in hotels

Seven surefire ways to boost your Internet Speed!

1. Grease your internet cable.

2. Place your Computer tower below your network jack. This causes the bits to flow downward. That makes faster bits! (*Recommended for downloading only)

3. If your lucky enough to have wireless internet place a large fan behind your router facing the direction of your network. You'll surf faster and stay cool!

4. Add a spoiler to your router. Honestly i don't understand the physics behind this one, but it works!

5. Stream music from the Rocky soundtrack. The Rocky bits will help pump up the "loafer" bits that tend to loiter and congest the pipeline.

6. Stay away from sites with vulgar language, nudity and violence. This dirt builds up in your cables and can be a big slow down.

7. Walk your laptop in the directions of your downloads. If your not sure who's hosting the files. Call up the webmaster and ask him where he lives. He'll be more than happy to give out his address.

The Answer is in!

I did some research during lunch and found out that the Menthol in mint gum is responsible for creating the cold sensation when you drink water. Yes the same menthol used in Vicks, Mouthwash, cigarettes and a myriad of other products. Supposedly the chemical increases your cell's tolerance for cold, so while the water is not actually any colder it feels colder due to a heighten sensitivity. The opposite is true of capsaicin found in hot peppers which increases the cells sensitivity to heat. So I wonder if rubbing hot peppers all over my body will help me feel warmer at work when the AC is blasting....

Just dying to know...

Why does water taste like 20 degrees colder when your chewing mint gum? There's got be an answer. Maybe I'll research this more when I get free time.

David Wright's seeds

Any baseball fan knows the dugout snack of choice is sunflower seeds. Any Mets fan knows David Wright is quite a jokester. My "dyeing to know" question... Has David Wright every falsy claimed a bag of David® sunflower seeds? When told they weren't his, did he respond "But they have my name on them?" I bet the odds are pretty high. I'd give it two to one.

Why I’m a Computer Programmer (cont.)

Take Two. Today I'm walking up the SAME set of steps and I hear a lady going down. I do my best to avoid eye contact so I don't have to greet them. As I pass by she says "hey!". My riposte…"Hi how are you?" Nailed it.  I look back down the steps after passing her to see who I just blindly greeted…

 Miss. Cellphone!!!!! argghhh

Why I’m a Computer Programmer

Yesterday on my morning hike up the stairs to our third floor office, I became reminded why I don't have a flashy sales job or fancy management position. I followed a younger woman up and as we arrived at the second floor door, she opened the door and held it up open and looked at me as if inquiring if I'm coming to the second floor. This was a very polite gesture on her part. Now the normal reaction would be for me to say something to effect of "No thanks, I'm going to the third floor" or even just "going up" and add a smile. But in my lack of communication skills shined brightly this morning. Unable to think of the right thing to say I looked her in the eyes and moved my lips forming some unintelligible sentence with no volume. I'm not sure why this happens, but my vocal chord seems to always fail me in certain situations. I looked away then continued walking up to the third floor.

I assume there's some part of the brain that's responsible for translating ideas into the English language. I'm guessing that function of my brain is either missing or severely retarded. Maybe it's not my vocal chords fault. They just serve as my last defense against uttering caveman grunts. They have learned to make up for my brain's malfunction. At the last second they choose not to "activate" and save me from further embarrassment.

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